Two Lions
Once upon a time, long, long ago there were two unique lions in the jungles of Africa. Both, it seems, had human-like qualities that made them claim territory, daring the other to cross over the line. Strange as it seems, the boundary between their turf was a well traveled trail through the jungle.
All day every day, both lions lay in the brush staring across the trail at their compatriot, daring him to cross into their territory.
The local natives knew of this animal feud, but all this was unbeknown to African Jack, a well-known and must publicized guide who did not speak Lionese and was unfamiliar with the territory.
While he was leading a safari through the jungle, walking all day and cutting vines with their machetes, all this constant hacking brush had them worn to a frazzle. After seeing two or three of his safari drop from exhaustion, African Jack decided to stop on the trail between these two lions and camp for the night.
After sitting up camp, eating, and getting his safari settled African Jack sat on a stump and began reading. While he was busily engaged in the printed page, the two lions, simultaneously, pounced on African Jack and ate him on the spot.
When the 6 o’clock news heard of the tragedy, they reported, “African Jack killed this evening. The motive is unclear, but it is reported he was reading between the lions.”
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What flies around your light at night and can bite off your head ?
A tiger moth ! |
What does the lion say to his friends before they go out hunting for food ?
‘Let us prey.’ |
Why is the desert lion everyone’s favorite at Christmas ?
Because he has sandy claws ! |
What did the lions say to his cubs when he taught them to hunt ?
‘Don’t go over the road till you see the zebra crossing.’ |
What is lion’s favorite food ?
Baked beings ! |
What do tigers wear in bed ?
Stripey pyjamas ! |
What does a lion brush his mane with ?
A catacomb ! |
What happened when the lion ate the comedian ?
He felt funny ! |
What’s striped and bouncy ?
A tiger on a pogo stick ! |
How can you get a set of teeth put in for free ?
Smack a lion ! |
The Feline Diet
Most diets fail because we are still thinking and eating like people. For those us who have never had any success dieting. Well now there is the new Miracle Cat Diet! This diet will also work on humans! Except for cats that eat like people — such as getting lots of table scraps — most cats are long and lean (or tiny and petite). the Cat Miracle Diet will help you achieve the same lean, svelte figure. Just follow this diet for one week and you’ll find that you not only look and feel better, but you will have a whole new outlook on what constitutes food. Good Luck!
DAY ONE
Breakfast: Open can of expensive gourmet cat food. Any flavor as long as it cost more the .75 per can — and place 1/4 cup on your plate. Eat 1 bite of food; look around room disdainfully. Knock the rest on the floor. Stare at the wall for awhile before stalking off into the other room.
Lunch: Four blades of grass and one lizard tail. Throw it back up on the cleanest carpet in your house.
Dinner: Catch a moth and play with it until it is almost dead. Eat one wing. Leave the rest to die.
Bedtime snack: Steal one green bean from your spouse’s or partner’s plate. Bat it around the floor until it goes under the refrigerator. Steal one small piece of chicken and eat half of it. Leave the other half on the sofa. Throw out the remaining gourmet cat food from the can you opened this morning.
DAY TWO
Breakfast: Picking up the remaining chicken bite from the sofa. Knock it onto the carpet and bat it under the television set. Chew on the corner of the newspaper as your spouse/partner tries to read it.
Lunch: Break into the fresh French bread that you bought as your part of the dinner party on Saturday. Lick the top of it all over. Take one bite out of the middle of the loaf.
Afternoon snack: Catch a large beetle and bring it into the house. Play toss and catch with it until it is mushy and half dead. Allow it to escape under the bed.
Dinner: Open a fresh can of dark-colored gourmet cat food — tuna or beef works well. Eat it voraciously. Walk from your kitchen to the edge of the living room rug. Promptly throw up on the rug. Step into it as you leave. Track footprints across the entire room.
DAY THREE
Breakfast: Drink part of the milk from your spouse’s or partner’s cereal bowl when no one is looking. Splatter part of it on the closest polished aluminum appliance you can find.
Lunch: Catch a small bird and bring it into the house. Play with on top of your down filled comforter. Make sure the bird is seriously injured but not dead before you abandon it for someone else to have to deal with.
Dinner: Beg and cry until you are given some ice cream or milk in a bowl of your own. Take three licks/laps and then turn the bowl over on the floor.
FINAL DAY
Breakfast: Eat 6 bugs, any type, being sure to leave a collection of legs, wings, antennae on the bathroom floor. Drink lots of water. Throw the bugs and all of the water up on your spouse’s or partner’s pillow.
Lunch: Remove the chicken skin from last night’s chicken-to-go leftovers your spouse or partner placed in the trash can. Drag the skin across the floor several times. Chew it in a corner and then abandon.
Dinner: Open another can of expensive gourmet cat food. Select a flavor that is especially runny, like Chicken and Giblets in Gravy. Lick off all the gravy and leave the actual meat to dry and get hard. |
Lion Tamer
Two unemployed guys are talking. One says, “I’m going to become a lion tamer.”
The other replies, “That’s crazy, you don’t know nothing about no lion taming.”
“Yes I do!”
“Well, OK, answer me this. When one of those lions comes at you all roaring and biting, what you gonna do?”
“Well, then I take that big chair they all carry, and I stick it in his face until he backs down.”
“Well, what if the lion takes that big paw, and hooks the chair with them big claws, and throws that chair out of the cage? What do you do then?”
“Well, then I takes that whip they all carry, and I whip him and whip him until he backs down.”
“Well, what if that lion bites that whip with his big teeth, and bites it in two? What you gonna do then?”
“Well, then I take that gun they all carry, and I shoot him.”
“Well, what if that gun doesn’t work? What will you do then?”
“Well, then I pick up some of the shit that’s on the bottom of the cage, and I throw it in his eyes, and I run out of the cage.”
“Well, what if there ain’t no shit in the bottom of the cage? What you gonna do then?”
“Well, that’s dumb. Cause if that lion comes at me, and he throws the chair out of the cage, and he bites the whip in two, and my gun don’t work, there’s going to be some shit on the bottom of that cage, you can bet on that.”
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The Religeous Horse
| A man named Mr.MaGloo was coming home from the market.He spotted a beatiful horse with rippling muscles on his way home.He left his groceries at home and went strait back to the horse.He struck a deal with the owner and at the last minute the owner said “We are a religeous family,so we have taught our horse about that.If you want him to gallop say”Thank God”,and if you want to stop you say”Our Father who art in heaven”.So the man jumped on the horse and said “Thank God.After a few miles there was a cliff ahead.He couldn’t think of the verse to make the horse stop.He finally yelled out 2 feet ahead of the cliff”Our Father who art in heaven!”The horse stopped and the man got out a hankerchief and said “Whew,Thank God…. |
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Big Cat Jokes
On which day do lions eat people ?
Chewsday ! |
Why did the lion feel sick after he’d eaten the priest ?
Because it’s hard to keep a good man down ! |
What did the lioness say to the cub chasing a hunter ?
‘Stop playing with your food.’ |
What do you call a lion wearing a cravat and a flower in its mane ?
A dandy lion ! |
What happens when a lion runs into an express train at the station ?
It’s the end of the lion ! |
Why do you never see zebras or antelopes at Victoria Station ?
Because it’s a ‘mane-lion’ station ! |
What do you call a show full of lions ?
The mane event ! |
How does a leopard change its spots ?
When it gets tired of one spot it just moves to another ! |
What happened to the man who tried to cross a lioin with a goat ?
He had to get a new goat ! |
Why was the lion-tamer fined ?
He parked on a yellow lion ! |
Mama Lions, Daddy Lion, and Baby Lion
There is a Mama lion, a Daddy lion & a Baby lion. The mama lion & the daddy lion were having a lot of fights so they decided to get a divorce. The lion family goes in front of a judge to decide custody of the baby lion.
The judge asks the baby lion “Do you wanna live with mama lion?”
The baby lion answers “No, mama lion beats me.”
The judge said “Alright, do you wanna live with daddy lion?”
The baby lion answers “No, daddy lion beats me worse.”
The judge asks “Who do you wanna live with then?”
The baby answers “The Detroit Lions, they don’t beat anybody.”
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